Monday, August 25, 2014

When I first heard about the death of comedian Robin Williams, my heart broke for him...because I unlike millions of other people KNEW EXACTLY how he must have felt in those last moments of his life... I too have been there on the precipice, wishing darkness would envelope me and all this pain would be over...

I ORIGINALLY POSTED THE FOLLOWING OVER A YEAR AGO...but since some things never change I am re-posting it in case my experiences can help one person dealing with Depression BIPOLAR DISORDER...YOU ARE NOT ALONE!


Howdy, sorry I've been away from my site for several months, but I have been dealing with something personal I have been suffering from all my life.  I've spent my whole life secretly riding a mentally and emotionally draining mood rollercoaster. I can go for weeks or month feeling wonderful, joyful, funny, social, talkative and on top of the world.

Then some small thing can occur and all of a sudden, for the next few weeks or months,(while still able to go to work and take care of my child) I am now depressed, sad, hopeless and unable to engage in or maintain close personal and social contact with friends and family.

During this period, I feel alone and isolated and become anxious at the thought of talking to anyone or spending time with anyone outside of people in my work environment and or my daughter at home.

 I am a good actress, but it is extremely draining when you are in a major depressive phase to find the energy to drag yourself out of bed in the morning, when all your depressed self wants to do is remain in the bed, under the covers and sleep for as long as it takes until depression runs it's course and you're back out of the tunnel and into the sun again. But if you're like me and absolutely refuse to give up your life, career and child to your depression, you just haul your ass up every morning and pretend to the world and to everyone you come in contact with that you are just like everyone else; but inside you know you're not.

 I have spent all my life creating and perfecting the normal,self-confident, funny, bright, calm girl facade I wear out in public every day to hide the real me ( or at least the real me my depressed mind convinces me I am). Behind my facade hides an insecure, anxious, nervous, sad, imperfect person who struggles everyday with pretending to be someone she is not.


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