Holiday Toys, Tears, Tongue & Bourbon in the Barcalounger

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Hope your December 25th, 2012 was joyous and  filled with love and family.


 Your Christmas Day was better than most if:

1. Your darling kids decimated only one brand new toy by the end of the day

2. Santa (aka you) forgot to buy batteries for another toy thus causing a huge (headache inducing) emotional meltdown from one of your precious crotchfruit

3. You were then told you had to run up to the supermarket and stand in an insane line waiting to purchase additional quantities of dinner rolls for your (every guest brings a dish) Christmas potluck feast  because a guest failed to bring a dish

4. And certain family members are reminding you why you can only endure the pain of biting your own tongue around them for one day per year.

The day is almost over and you are tired and cannot wait to shoo the last loved one out of your goshdarn house. Of course, your immediate family is still there, so you really won't get much peace and quiet this holiday season, but at least, no blood was shed and the police weren't called out to your residence ( this year at least).

So, find your handy tv clicker, shoo the dog out of your Barcalounger onto the floor covered with wrapping paper and empty boxes and recline in your throne for a while, you deserve it!

And don't forget to holler into the kitchen for someone to bring you a large glass of Eggnog with Bourbon, and when someone in the kitchen hollers back out to you that "all the Eggnog is gone", just kindly holler back, "no problem, I'm used to going without, so a large of glass of Bourbon without the Eggnog will have to do".







SAVING THE WORLD IN 4 MINUTES

Tuesday, November 20, 2012


This week at work, every other person on staff is on HOLIDAY, so it is left to MYSELF and a hand full of other hardcore soldiers to batten down the hatches,stock up on supplies and work our tails off producing  the best, most entertaining and awe inspiring hours of reality television footage ever "not scripted" and captured on camera, ever!

So today, as like yesterday, I will be extremely, and I mean extremely busy, so please if you feel you need to contact me for any reason, before you do so ask yourself these questions first.

 If you answer yes to any other these questions, feel free to proceed to contact me, if you answer NO to any of the questions, please DO NOT CONTACT ME, and proceed to locate someone other than myself who cares.

Tomorrow also isn't going to be a good day for contacting me for reasons not related to questions previously mentioned.



FYI, If you are bleeding, feel you are GOING TO BE bleeding, HAVE CAUSED someone else to bleed, or just obsessed with the thought of blood, please do not hesitate to call 911 or your psychiatrist's direct line.

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF TO DETERMINE IF YOU SHOULD INDEED ATTEMPT TO CONTACT ME TODAY OR TOMORROW:

1. Did you attend MERCEDES BENZ FASHION WEEK IN NYC AT THE LINCOLN CENTER, 2012?
2. Do you know anyone personally who attended MERCEDES BENZ FASHION WEEK IN NYC AT THE LINCOLN CENTER, 2012?

3. Have I ever sent you an email from my work email beginning with the word HELP! and ending with the words, PLEASE HELP?

If you cannot answer any of the above questions with YES, please DO NOT contact me this week.

Signing off with a musical video clip of how I am feeling emotionally & mentally this week:
like MADONNA; JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE sing, I FEEL LIKE I'VE GOT 4 MINUTES TO SAVE THE WORLD!!!!! so get outta my way, I'm busy!!!!


GENERATION ME & THE PHRASE "I DESERVE"

Sunday, November 18, 2012

I finally have had ENOUGH of watching millions of people parade across my TV screen unemployed, underemployed, lazy, dumb, clueless, in debt, living at home with parents or couch surfing with soon to be ex-friends, young and old to enough to know dang better, delusional, parasitic, blaming everyone else but themselves for their current situation because life isn't treating them fairly and they are not getting what they DESERVE.

Let's meander across the interwebs to the Webster's Dictionary website and find the definition of this "much used word by many who don't do much" shall we?

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/deserve
DEFININTION-
DESERVE-  de·serve--verb \di-ˈzərv\
"be worthy, fit, or suitable for some reward or requital"

I have been watching TV reality programs like CNBC'S "PRINCESS", LIFETIME'S "MY SHOPPING ADDICTION", OXYGEN'S "BRIDEZILLA" and many more all about delusional folks, young and old alike who feel just due to the fact of them being born, they are SPECIAL and they DESERVE ( regardless of whether they have acquired a skill set to allow them to earn enough money to afford) the newest IPHONE, the latest IPOD, the biggest flat screen TV, A's in every college course they take, the highest honors awarded, the best job with the best company and the highest salary, work hours of their own choosing, constant and daily validation for arriving to work and  looking good, paid time off for being BFF's Maid of Honor and helping her plan her wedding and then 8 months later, more paid time off to plan own wedding, hippest apartment in the hippest building in the hippest neighborhood, coolest car to drive ( gas mileage be damned), drinks and clubbing weekly at the coolest club and lounges in town and dinners out at chic restaurants at least 3-4 times a week,  last minute and pre-planned vacay's with friends to whatever non-US locale everyone else is flying to, looking like a milllions bucks from the top of one's expensive weekly treated hair to the soles of one's almost 200 pairs of expensive shoes that can also be seen in the latest celeb fashion magazine. I could go on and on about the underemployed who reside back at home with parents where they do not pay rent, borrow money from family constantly to support their delusional faux celebrity lifestyles.

DRAGON BABY KICKS AZZ

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

I VOTED today so let's celebrate by watching DRAGON BABY kick his stuffed toys' azz :)




GOD IS BUSY TONIGHT

LETTING YOUR GIRLY MAN FLAG FLY

Monday, January 30, 2012

I have an open mind. I really do. I don't care who you sleep with or what you wear. BUTTTTTT I do have a problem with you not wearing what you wear properly.

Fella,letting your girly-man flag fly is ok by me, but dayum some of you guys you are NOT gettin 'er done right if you know what I mean.

There are a few HOW TO LOOK LIKE A REAL LIVE WOMAN rules I wanna share with you Pabst Blue Ribbon drinkin' "ladees".

RULE #1- Your shoes or boots should be of the same gender as your hairstyle ( facial hair def. included) Basicly this means if you purchased your shoes online from a gender bending vendor and you found them under the WOMEN'S SHOES, then the top of your body should reflect the same gender as the bottom of your body ie your feets.

If you're walking like a woman, you need to stop on by Cheri's Shear Cuts and get yourself a nice fe-male haircut OR order yourself a lovely WOMAN'S wiglet from another online vendor who sells other folks hair. You also need to SHAVE any additional hairs off of your face as well. The whiskers around your chin, detract from the I AM A WOMAN statement you are attempting to make.

RULE #2- Boy's you must take a long and I mean lonnnngggg and HONEST look at your body type, so you can decide what ladee's clothing items look best on your figure. Choosing badly in this area will cause you to stand-out in public like a sore-man's thumb. Every body, man or woman does not look good in spandex, short short shorts or short short skirts,high knee high and over the knee high boots etc. Just because you want to look a like a ladee, doesn't mean you want to look like a ladee who spends her time propping up the street lights on the wrong side of town.

Also, please shave any hairs that will be visible on your body ( except for the hair upon your head). Unless you are striving to appear to be a vegan,patchoulli incense burning,hirsute, camping loving chick;then expansive amounts of visible leg and underarm hair is acceptable.

The following two photographs are from our friends over at www.peopleofwalmart.com. They ARE our friends, because they document the mistakes all of us, men, women, children and "ladees" make DAILY with our fashion choices. Let's learn from others mistakes.

I'll be back at a later date for a refresher post on this topic :)

HOW TO MAKE A FILTHY MARTINI

Saturday, January 28, 2012

My baby sister, God bless her, loves her "Dirty Martinis". Of course she is still a bebe next to me and life experiences and drinking skills.

I have graduated from the sorority world of "Dirty Martinis" into the grown up, grown azz woman world of "FILTHY Martinis".

Very easy to make, but major difference in flavor.

First, this weekend make some "Dirty Martinis". Have one, two or ten, I do not care, just don't drink & drive. I prefer myself to drive & drink. Much safer and less DUI's. Drive to the liquor store and drink your azz off at the residence of your choice, very simple, very easy!

Anyway, make a buttload of "Dirty Martinis" this weekend. Important recipe tip here: DO NOT WASH THE GLASSES!!!!!!!!

NEXT WEEKEND- Make more "Dirty Martinis", but pour them into the glasses from last weekend, the flavors from last weekend will have settled into the glasses and created a whole nother layer of alcohol flavored goodness and voila, you have become a grown azz woman and you are drinking with the big dogs, you are now drinking the infamous "FILTHY MARTINI"!!!! TA DA!!

Feel honored, I don't share my wino secrets with just any biitches, oops I meant bodies, my bad. Anyway ENJOY!!!!

CRAZY OLD CAT LADY, ALMOST

I am slowly becoming a crazy old cat lady.
Except I do not have ONE cat.
I don't like to personally smell unpleasant.
I also do not like the smell of cat urine or the millions of people who unbeknownest to them arrive at work, enter the elevator with me and smell of cat urine.
So I guess until cats quit peeing, I will just continue becoming a crazy old cat lady (without the cat part).

TRIPPIN' IN A HULA

Thursday, January 26, 2012

This triptastic video is what happens when someone wants to push the limits and try something new; like attaching a Go Pro small camera to your hula hoop.

So Demi, don't be a hog, pass that can of Reddi-Whip, I wanna get this trippy party started!!!!!

SHIITT THAT MAKES ME GIGGLE & GRIN

Since I'm so ovah FACEBOOK, I am now renewing my love affair with my OWN personal website.

Here are some pics that make me shiit AND grin :)

FACEBOOK FORMAT SUCKS!

I've decided to return to my blog to post my thoughts as Facebook is making me ill. I absolutely HATE the format FACEBOOK is making me use now and I just CAN NOT with them right now. Plus my left ear has been stuffed up for over a week and I can only juggle one stressful thing at a time.

 

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