Five Pieces of Advice Kobe Bryant Should Share with Tiger Woods

Thursday, December 3, 2009

1. The name of the jeweler who made Kobe’s wife’s $4million dollar “I’m sorry baby, oops my dick slipped” ring.

2. The name of a good plastic surgeon, cause I believe those golf club tracks Tiger’s little blond wife left upside his head may leave scars. (And back in Kobe's days of snow capped Colorado courtrooms, naïve hotel employees and alleged rape charges; I recall Kobe missed playing in a game because he hurt his hand “moving boxes in his garage”. The only thing Kobe was moving back then was piles of money out of his bank accounts into his attorney’s bank accounts, his PR firm’s bank accounts and his wife's personal bank accounts.)

3. The name of a good real estate agent, cause everybody in Tiger’s wife’s family is moving from Sweden to Florida and every single one of them will want their own damn house in a gated community with it's own security patrol.

4. The name of a DR. who can give Tiger's wife a battery of STD tests, prescriptions for Valtrex and/or penicillin and a good anger management therapist, because Tiger's wife will not be getting over her fury at him for awhile.

5. Kobe needs to also warn Tiger to remove all the golf clubs from their home for at least a year.

6. Kobe should also advise Tiger on how a real skanky married professional athlete cheats on the road and not get caught. I'm sure Kobe learned the proper cheating techniques right after he got caught in Colorado. The first rule is to only cheat with "professional" girlfriends. These are women in every town a sports team could hit for a game. These 'ladies' hook up with married players for ' gifts', and in return keeps her trap shut and her legs open, never plans on ratting him out or trapping him with a surprise pregnancy ( as long as the 'gifts' keep appearing in her bank account monthly.

7. Lastly, in 6 months Kobe should encourage Tiger to knock his wife up if they are still together. Nothing says “I love my cheating, lying, disgusting pig of a husband" like birthing another one of his kids. (Hey, it's more child support dollars if a divorce does actually happen.)



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