Monday, November 30, 2009

“O, what men dare do! What men may do!What men daily do, not knowing what they do!”
Spoken by Claudio from Shakespeare’s play, MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING”
I will never forget the first moments I began to suspect there was much ado about something in my own marriage. It all began with suspicions; those haunting, little whispers circling incessantly within my head and the inexplicable fluttering in the pit of my stomach that would not cease until extinguished with the truth.

They (those omnipotent and all knowing ‘THEY’) have told us for decades, “The truth will set you free”.
I can honestly say to you three years ago, I came face to face with the TRUTH, and the last emotion I felt, was FREE. Adjectives that could have been more aptly used to describe my state of being in that moment of truth was DEVASTED, BLINDSIDED, HEARTBROKEN, BETRAYED, PISSED and I could go on.

When I took my marriage vows, I didn’t need a dictionary at hand to understand the words: vows, fidelity, loyalty, wedlock, and married. But obviously, there are many many men and many women (I’m allegedly speaking to you Tiger, Kobe, Eddie, Miguel and millions of others) who need a refresher course on the basic tenets of marriage and the vows exchanged between the two parties involved at the ceremony.

Using numbered points, I would love to reiterate the very important ideas and definitions behind the institution of marriage and why having sex with someone other than your spouse is called CHEATING ( you stupid STD-carrying, lack of self-control-having, dumb as a box of unused condoms rutting animals).

Obviously I need to clarify i.e break it down to those of you fidelity-challenged humans who are utterly confused about what your wedding vows really and truly meant (or were supposed to mean).


1. If you are married to one person you cannot and should not engage in any type of physical, emotional, romantic and/or sexual activity with any human or animal other than the person currently recognized as your ‘lawfully wedded spouse”.

2. Your loyalties should be to your wife and your kids; anonymous hoochies and skanks on your jock must be ignored.

3. By lawfully marrying your spouse you have in essence told her and the world that she is revered by you above all other women (accept your momma). Any money you earn belongs to your wife and the household and any disposable income you may have jingling in your pockets should be either be placed in your kids piggy banks for their future vocational school educations or for taking your wifey out for an evening out away from the kids, pref. RED LOBSTER. Your money should NEVER be used to purchase food, gas, pay bills for, rent motels rooms for or to entertain any women other your spouse (or your momma).

4. If you are married you should never be nude and aroused in front of any women other than your spouse.
( your momma shouldn’t see this side of you at your age)


And to my ladies, if you find your significant other is continuing to have difficulties with the basic premise behind marriage and keeping his dick in his pants; then girl, let him go!

A lot of men have kicked the best women to the curb and jumped the fence ignorantly believing the grass is green on the other side and they come to find out, that shiiit was just ASTRO-TURF!

Leave his STD-carrying AZZ over there, pick up yourself, your self-esteem and your babies and go rock your own world!

My friend Shakespeare said it like this……..
Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,
Men were deceivers ever,
One foot in sea, and one on shore,
To one thing constant never.
Then sigh not so, but let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into hey nonny nonny.

Spoken by Balthasar from Shakespeare’s play, MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING”


Anonymous said...

And in return for our fidelity, wifey should give it up EVERY SINGLE TIME WE ASK FOR IT! AND, she might even initiate it half the time and pretend she's still interested. If you don't keep food in the fridge, then don't blame us for going out to get some fast-food. It's not a man's fault if his wife can't keep up the pace.

Brook said...

First of all to your previous commenter.. is he out his mind. There are women you give it up whenever where ever nd of their man wants to cheat thats what he os going to to. I loved this passage and as a person who married a cheating man, I know understand and feel the pain behind this peice. I will not claim to have been the perfect wife but I can surely say sex was the last thing he needed to go outside our marriage for. So happens March 2006 was the best time of my life. I picked myself, myself esteem, and my baby and got the fuck out of there.

lazdoubledown on December 1, 2009 at 4:15 PM said...

Wow. That's all that I can say. It is good to see that being free from all of that (especially the whole "STD" thing that you continually repeat- now is that a hint about something else, and if so, is there something else you need to address?)is keeping you from being bitter. It is very apparent that while "Free" and "Forgiveness" both start with F, they have yet to be harmonious in your world. I am hoping for the best.


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