HAPPY MERRY WHATEVER YA'LL

Monday, December 14, 2009



I am so mentally and emotionally tired from all my holiday planning that I am going to take a break and visit family for a week or so. I'll be back here ranting and raving after Christmas ya'll.  So make sure you come back!!

I hope you guys have a Happy Merry whatever and you stay safe and happy :)

Felica Devers

STUFF MOMS WILL LIKE

Thursday, December 10, 2009

As a mom of a wee mini-me, I have become oh so more conscious of the world around her and I and what I can do as a mom to keep her as safe as possible for as long as possible. I wanted to share with you a few things I've found in my neverending search for safety info and ways I can make a difference. Here are three sites I've found that I think are gems:

1. HealthyStuff.orghttp://www.healthystuff.org
This site actually tests all types of toys andother products for lead and other possible toxins and rates the level of toxins found for you to compare. Amazing! this site is a must see as parents and other folks finalize their toy purchases for the little people in their lives.

2. Organic.orghttp://www.organic.org/
This site offers information, products, recipes and news on all things organic for you and your family.

3. Starfall.com: http://www.starfall.com
This website is a godsend for my 6 yr old daughter. She loves to be on the computer, but I only want her to spend time on the computer if it is productive as well as fun and this website, Starfall.com is chock full of free, entertaining AND educational games, stories, activities for all children's age groups. Check it out with your wee one, you'll both love it.

Let me know what you think and I'll keep you posted on any more fun, cool stuff I find.


CALI HAS CHIHUAHUA CRISIS

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Folks the state of California has a major crisis!!!!! We have too many darn Chihuahuas in our fair state. And you thought the only other important news topics this week were unemployment and which ho pops up next with the winning saved text message in Tiger Woods ongoing "HO FOLLIES".
If you absolutely must have an utterly A-dorable Chihuahua dog, please DO NOT purchase one from a breeder, instead locate an in-state Chihuahua rescue organization and save a California chihuahua today (or tomorrow).

5 QUESTIONS FOR TUESDAY

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

All my life I have been a woman on a quest; a quest for answers. Answers to what,answers to some of life’s most baffling questions. I have questions spinning round and round in my brain that even a gaggle of PHD toting scientists couldn’t discover the answers for. Like for instance:

1. Why are leggings made in any size ending in XL?
2. If a man has a small weiner, how is he expecting the purchase of a brand new Porsche to compensate for this in bed?
3. Why do I need to see an obviously five month pregnant female out on the weekend in a night club trying to pick up a man. Trust me, I have seen this too many times and I don’t understand how a woman who is not able to bend over and touch her toes can feel the undeniable urge to go into the dark night, to a loud nightclub with boozing fools and get her almost 3rd trimester pregnant groove on. And does she really need another man she met at a nightclub?
4. Why does a couple need a home with more rooms than days in a month?
5. At this moment, would Tiger Woods trades lives with a happily married father of 2, working at McDonalds?

IF YOU CAN’T SAY SOMETHING NICE……

Friday, December 4, 2009


Since today is Friday and I am beyond thrilled the weekend begins and also that my favorite holiday, Christmas is mere weeks away, I decided to share some positive energy and thoughts with ya’ll.

SOME NICE THINGS I WANT TO SAY:

  1. So many humans are too stupid to breed so most days I feel like an EAGLE among TURKEYS. But God made TURKEYS too and they taste good at Thanksgiving dinner with stuffing and gravy.
  2. I’M DONE, I CAN’T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE NICE TO SAY AT THIS MOMENT. Gawd, that was exhausting, my brain hurts.

Now, this woman ( pic courtesy of www.peopleofwalmart.com) entered the store and brought her own tubs of cottage cheese. Why she felt the need to share them with the public is beyond me.
Why do we never see shoppers dressed like this in Macy’s?


Did you watch MTV's new show called JERSEY SHORES? If you missed it, all you need to know is displayed in the picS below. Who told these Jersey guys that looking like too damn tanned, WTF lip gloss?, gay early 1990's cheesey Chippendales STD drippin' strippers was an attractive look.
HOW YA DOIN'????
(pic courtesy of www.guidofistpump)




Five Pieces of Advice Kobe Bryant Should Share with Tiger Woods

Thursday, December 3, 2009




1. The name of the jeweler who made Kobe’s wife’s $4million dollar “I’m sorry baby, oops my dick slipped” ring.

2. The name of a good plastic surgeon, cause I believe those golf club tracks Tiger’s little blond wife left upside his head may leave scars. (And back in Kobe's days of snow capped Colorado courtrooms, naïve hotel employees and alleged rape charges; I recall Kobe missed playing in a game because he hurt his hand “moving boxes in his garage”. The only thing Kobe was moving back then was piles of money out of his bank accounts into his attorney’s bank accounts, his PR firm’s bank accounts and his wife's personal bank accounts.)

3. The name of a good real estate agent, cause everybody in Tiger’s wife’s family is moving from Sweden to Florida and every single one of them will want their own damn house in a gated community with it's own security patrol.

4. The name of a DR. who can give Tiger's wife a battery of STD tests, prescriptions for Valtrex and/or penicillin and a good anger management therapist, because Tiger's wife will not be getting over her fury at him for awhile.

5. Kobe needs to also warn Tiger to remove all the golf clubs from their home for at least a year.

6. Kobe should also advise Tiger on how a real skanky married professional athlete cheats on the road and not get caught. I'm sure Kobe learned the proper cheating techniques right after he got caught in Colorado. The first rule is to only cheat with "professional" girlfriends. These are women in every town a sports team could hit for a game. These 'ladies' hook up with married players for ' gifts', and in return keeps her trap shut and her legs open, never plans on ratting him out or trapping him with a surprise pregnancy ( as long as the 'gifts' keep appearing in her bank account monthly.

7. Lastly, in 6 months Kobe should encourage Tiger to knock his wife up if they are still together. Nothing says “I love my cheating, lying, disgusting pig of a husband" like birthing another one of his kids. (Hey, it's more child support dollars if a divorce does actually happen.)


BARAK IS NOT A MIRACLE WORKER, HE'S JUST A MAN

Wednesday, December 2, 2009




After last nights’ televised address to the nation, why are people so disappointed and angry with our president, Barak Obama?

President Barak Obama is not GOD nor is he the great and powerful Wizard of Oz ( and he has never claimed to be).  He is just a man; a man with beacoup difficult, complicated and complex decisions to make, a man with a job I would never want, in a country that is literally in extreme distress; leftover from the leadership of the previous president.


What were people expecting our freshly minted and still shiny President

“MUCH ADO ABOUT SOMETHING"

Monday, November 30, 2009



“O, what men dare do! What men may do!What men daily do, not knowing what they do!”
Spoken by Claudio from Shakespeare’s play, MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING”
I will never forget the first moments I began to suspect there was much ado about something in my own marriage. It all began with suspicions; those haunting, little whispers circling incessantly within my head and the inexplicable fluttering in the pit of my stomach that would not cease until extinguished with the truth.

They (those omnipotent and all knowing ‘THEY’) have told us for decades, “The truth will set you free”.
I can honestly say to you three years ago, I came face to face with the TRUTH, and the last emotion I felt, was FREE. Adjectives that could have been more aptly used to describe my state of being in that moment of truth was DEVASTED, BLINDSIDED, HEARTBROKEN, BETRAYED, PISSED and I could go on.

CASTING HOT MODELS OVER 35 YRS IN L.A. THIS WKEND

Now casting TV Land's "She's Got the Look", season 3!

Currently searching for the next Super Model over the age 35. Competitors will live in a house and participate in weekly challenges to see who has what it takes to have "The Look." The winner will receive a modeling contract with the world-famous Wilhelmina Modeling Agency.

**OPEN CALL***

Date: Sunday December 6, 2009

We look forward to meeting you!

Location: Los Angeles Meeting and Event Center
10601 W. Washington Blvd
Los Angeles Ca. 90232

Directions: NE corner of Overland and Washington Blvd.

Parking: first come first serve parking lot adjacent / street parking

Time: 11:00am – 4:00pm

Line up starts: 10:00am

Please Note: All applicants approved to move on to the next round must be available
for call back Interviews On December 7, 2009

What I am thankful for this Thanksgiving holiday?

Tuesday, November 24, 2009




What I am thankful for this Thanksgiving holiday?
In all honesty, I have never really paused at any previous Thanksgiving in my past to deeply and thoughtfully ponder what I was truly grateful for at that point in my life. So, I decided, this Thanksgiving season would be a perfect time to not only take the time to ponder what I am grateful for and but also share it with people who probably do not give a crap out of a donkey’s butt about it.

Anyway, here goes-

WHAT I AM THANKFUL FOR THIS THANKSGIVING 2009
1. This year I weigh almost 20 pounds less than I did 2 Thanksgivings ago!!!! Back down to size 3/5 in jeans wooo-hoooo.
2. Even with all the psychiatric medication I take, my superiority complex and my narcissistic and histrionic personality disorders are still going strong!!
3. I no longer have a live- in male life partner/spouse/ pain in my ass/ extra stress and aggravation type person in my life!!! Double woo-hooo.
4. I have TIVO and I love it!!!! Oh yeah and NETFLIX rocks too.
5. I’m not a single mom with 5 kids, I’m a single mom with 1 AND I still look hawt!!!
6. I am the only adult in my castle, which means, I and only I run shiiit there!!!! This rocks too.
7. I get to spend the entire night in my bed alone without someone pawing me out of my deep blissful sleep for icky marital relations. SEX is great, but only when I WANT it!
8. More closet space for my stuff and more bathroom cabinet space for my stuff!!!!! Also less laundry to do.
9. Since I know have every other weekend free to myself (since munchkin is with her paternal unit) I get more time to spend focusing on my favorite subject, ME! Mani-pedi’s, brunches with the girls, seeing movies on their premiere weekends instead of 9 months later via Netflix, etc.
10. I am just plain happier this Thanksgiving than I was last Thanksgiving and I thank Valium, Scotch and my ex's new girlfriend for that.

Hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving with your family and friends.
Kisses and hugs,
Felica

FELICA'S COUNTRY MOUSE VS CITY MOUSE- revisited

Friday, November 20, 2009



After being born and raised in the backwoods of rural Louisiana outside a lovely lil city called Shreveport. And then moving and residing for many more years in a large bustling metropolis like Los Angeles, I’d like to think I am informed and insightful enough to make the following observations about the differences between those folks residing in rural country areas and their urban city-fied living counterparts.
Please enjoy what I have lovingly decided to call:

FELICA’S COUNTRY MOUSE vs CITY MOUSE:

1. Country Mouse sleeps with his sister. City Mouse sleeps with his 21yr old step-mother.

2. Country Mouse completes his education with a GED (if he’s an over-achiever). City Mouse completes his education by receiving an MBA, (purchased by his father funding the construction of the new wing of the campus library).

3. Country Mouse accidentally impregnates his underage girlfriend and her parents sign off on their 14 yr old daughter getting legally hitched. City Mouse accidentally impregnates his family’s maid’s underage daughter; and she is swiftly shipped off to her parent’s country of origin, never to be heard from again.

4. Country Mouse’s department store of choice is Wal-Mart or occasionally the Quickie-Mart. City Mouse’s department store of choice is anywhere a Black American Express is accepted.

5. Country Mouse’s haircut runs around $10 for a wash and mullet. City Mouse’s hair care costs run around $50 for a shampoo, deep conditioning $55, full foil $175, blow out $75, flat iron $55 and $80 for the small package of high quality blow lovingly slipped into her Prada bag.


TOM CRUISE HAS AN ALIEN STICK UP HIS BUTT

Thursday, November 19, 2009

There is nothing funnier than watching delusion and extreme hubris being mocked and ridiculed. Crazy as Xenu, Tom Cruise, is shown auditioning for the TWILLIGHT movie, in this video parody.

 It's so sad when a vertically challenged, stick in his butt (and he likes it there) supa star like Tom Cruise becomes an industry laughingstock.


Celebrity Auditions: New Moon from Electric Spoofaloo on Take180.com

STUPID, DUMB, INEPT THIEVES

Wednesday, November 18, 2009




Today, I’d like to talk about the joy of having your car broken into. There is no feeling like getting off work after a hard day of trying to make a dollar out of fifteen cents, getting into your driver seat and noticing the night lights twinkling thru the remainder of cracked auto glass hanging (in a small sad lonely triangle) where your passenger window used to be.

I really do not need this added aggravation and financial drain at this exact moment in my life. But hey, I know some people ( in the hills and trailer parks of various rural states) who have it far far worse than I ever will, so I didn’t allow my pissed-o-meter to hit 10 ( it clocked out around 6.5).

I would like to address the incompetent idiot who committed this crime against my defenseless lil car. First of all, my car is a ‘momma’ car. You can see this from the outside and even standing beside it and peering into the windows.

CHUCK E CHEESE, SLOTS & SHOTS

Tuesday, November 17, 2009



 (NEWSFLASH- My munchkin lost her first top tooth at CHUCK E CHEESE Sunday.)

Let me just begin by saying, I hate Chuck E Cheese and it’s brain numbing audio/visually over-stimulating, bacteria infested, environment designed for kids. Chuck E Cheese is marketed as the ultimate in childrens' amusement ( arcade games, amusement rides, animatronics show) with the added bonus of also being a sit-down pizza restaurant.

(With the occasional sighting of a cute single dad aside), I get hives just thinking about having to spend a precious two hours of my life dropping money on tokens then weaving through throngs of little people, (and their nipping at their heels parents) while chasing my now manic, uber -stimulated 6 year old around blaring, flashing, headache inducing games and rides.

WHY? WOMAN WHY?

Friday, November 13, 2009


(pic courtesy of www.peopleofwalmart.com) 

I feel like I don’t really need to write one word about this woman in this picture.

I couldn’t possibly be eloquent or creative enough to appropriately and effectively articulate my feelings of horror, sadness & disappointment at DaQuaSheMeka’s choice of attire for this lovely day of Wal-Mart shopping.

I can’t do it, I cannot find words. This photo speaks for itself.

Now, if you will please excuse me, I must run to the lavatory; my eyes are bleeding.


FELICA’S FIVE QUESTIONS FOR FRIDAY 11/13/09




1. Do you automatically receive a lobotomy once you sign your name to a contract to become the star of your own reality TV show?

2. Should I feel sorry for a balding, famous, middle-aged actor who finds himself close to $20 million in debt?

3. If before you marry, you have to pay an attorney to write up a pre-nuptial agreement for you in case your marriage ends in divorce. And if you do divorce; you have to pay another attorney to handle the end of the marriage. Why get married at all? Wouldn’t it be cheaper to just shack up together until one of you tires of the other?

4. Why is it that everytime I order ‘hotcakes & sausage ‘ from the McDonalds drive-thru, a worker always forgets to put my sausage patty in my meal?

5. Why does Arkansas’s, (goddess of fertility and mom of 50 and counting) , Michelle Duggar, always seem to be smiling and jolly ( considering she is constantly pregnant and her lady bits must be stretched to the circumference of the Grand Canyon)? And conversely former Dawson’s Creek actress, Katie Holmes, (who is married to supastar Tom Cruise and shops with credit cards with limits that could purchase whole towns) always seen looking morose, pale and exhausted?

SUICIDE, LIFE & QUITTERS



I am a little bummed today. In the past few weeks, 3 people I knew or knew thru someone close to me, has died. Two of the dear people passed away from lengthy illnesses and one passed away from his own hand, suicide.

The poor man that committed suicide wasn’t someone I knew very well. But I did know him and saw him almost everyday. He was born and raised in Europe and his family continues to reside there in his home town. I’m not sure how long he had lived here in the U.S, but I believe it was at least 20 years of his 40 something years of life. He was divorced and had no children. He lived alone with his dear 4 legged, fur covered BFF.

I have spent more of my life thus far feeling alone, and I spent several years living alone in a large sprawling city where I had no close friends and was miles from my family yet, although I was literally alone, I wasn’t lonely. I feel very sad for someone who must have felt so lonely and alone that death seemed like a much desired present wrapped in a pretty bow. I wish I had reached out to this sad, lonely person who chose to hasten his life’s end; when (unbeknowest to him ) he had so much to continue living for.

BRIDEZILLA, INSANITY & STATEN ISLAND

Wednesday, November 11, 2009



The producers of Oxygen TV’s hugely popular, (spouse murdering reality tutorial) SNAPPED should prepare themselves right now for a new show subject coming in I predict a year or so. And the name of this possible future SNAPPED subject (OMG, this bitch is going to kill someone one day, I know it) is Karen Refaeli. Karen is Staten Island, NY’s newly married, seriously disturbed, obscenely obnoxious star of three WE TV reality show, BRIDEZILLA episodes.

Now, I have watched this show since it first aired and I have watched a buttload of crazy azz beetches steamroll, curse and spew pre-bridal venom on their way to the alter, but never have I seen such a display of over the top ridiculousness and insanity as I witnessed in the last month. The last 3 episodes have featured (her fiancé must be terminally ill & marrying her because he’s dying soon anyway) petite, Staten Island, bi-polar, Pomeranian /Chihuahua mix, Karen Refaeli (who is also a teacher?).

WACHOVIA HATES SINGLE MOTHERS



First let me preface today bitchfest/rant by saying I am a rational person, but I do not suffer fools easily,  especially ANYONE, individual or company trying to shiiit on me. I am serious, I DON'T PLAY!  Wachovia Bank has been screwing with me this past week and causing me unnecessary stress. I moved to them after Bank of America acted an ass by saying a Bank of American in one state couldn't accesss my account information at another Bank of America in another state. WTF? this is the age of computers and your billion dollar banking institution cannot access information from state to state? You advertise BofA ATM's all over the country so what are you people talking about? Bof A had me open a 2nd B of A account in California after I relocated back here this year from another state in the same dayumm time zone! Now they're harassing me about fees from the old account they didn't close when they basically forced me to open a 2nd account. Bof A sucks. So now on to why Wachovia sucks. I am really getting close to hating all banks and just putting all my money in gold doubloons kept in my freezer or something.  Here is the email I sent Wachovia this morning after I checked my online banking account and saw the insanity that was taking place within this (pain in my ass) bank.


"This is my 2nd time sending you guys a message regarding you holding a check I deposited and NSF charges/fees. When my rent check came thru on Nov 4th, you denied it and returned it saying NSF, even though my account had the amount in it AND you were just holding my $??? till  Nov 9 (which I didn't know at the time when I wrote out the rent check)

Anyway, I contacted you about that initial NSF charge and check hold and you refunded me the first NSF $25. On Monday Nov 9, my check on hold was supposed to release from hold and my apt. mgmt co. re-submitted my rent check on Nov 9th and you guys sent it back AGAIN!!!!!!AND CHARGED ME ANOTHER $25 NSF on the same day my check is released.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You deny my rent check payment the same day my money is released into my account?  WHY??? And charge me another $25 NSF fee.

I want to speak to a someone in charge about this. You must not want customers, because I am going to let everyone know that WACHOVIA sucks unless this situation is rectified to my satisfaction.

Please contact me immediately at ???????????
Felica Devers "

Learn Something New Today- JDLR

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I was born and raised in the country where we come up with our own way of communicating, so some of you may not know what JDLR stands for. Well I’ll tell you, it stands for exactly what is shown in this www.peopleofwalmart.com photo below:  
Just Don’t Look Right.

Good lordy, what was this woman thinking when she (and her man Donnie Ray) stepped out of her trailer wearing her granny panties out in public to the store. I guess she thought it was going to be a quick trip cause she also wore her pink house slippers. I’m gonna hazard an assumption here based on her attire and deduct that she has probably slept with her boyfriend, Donnie Ray’s daddy. She’s probably slept with Donnie Ray’s lil brother, Bobby Ray too.

Now ask yourself what is she trying to communicate to other people about herself with this underfitting ensemble?
I’m gonna try to guess.
1. I do not own a mirror.
2. I do not own a mirror because I am blind and Donnie Ray said everybody wears shorts this short.
3. I am doing grass-roots advertising for my side business which is hoes-ing
4.To all those jealous beetchs back in high school who said I’d never get a man, don’t you feel dumb?
5. The doctor at the free clinic said I need to air my girly parts out or else the antibiotics won’t work as good.


THE FELICA SHOW: GUNS, COPS AND PORNO

Monday, November 9, 2009

THE FELICA SHOW: GUNS, COPS AND PORNO

GUNS, COPS AND PORNO



God what a Monday morning!!!

I was awakened around 5:45 am by the sound of policemen shouting,”OPEN THE DOOR, IT’S THE POLICE”. After maybe a couple of minutes of trying to determine if I was dreaming or maybe someone’s TV was up really loud, I went with “ dayum, the cops are outside my door! I jump up out of bed (in my adorable lt blue & little kittens fleece one piece jammies with the feet attached) and run to my front window, peek out and see 8-10 armed cops standing directly outside my apt. door.

I opened my door thinking they were attempting to evacuate the building and the cop standing closest to my door, turns to me suddenly, grabs my doorknob and pulls my door shut saying, ” Maam, please remain inside.”

Well sir, since there are so many of you big strong fellas, looking like SWAT and armed to the teeth with ear pieces and large pieces of artillery, I do believe I will remain inside my apartment (but I will cop a squat in my living room corner window, so I can see directly inside the apt in they were invading).

I won’t give out the situation's particulars,(out of respect to the tenant and the police’s investigation) but suffice it to say, it was an unreal way to be roused out of bed on a Monday morning.

I WILL say:
1. I saw no bodies
2. Several of the cops were srsly F-I-N-E ( I did get the card of the cutest one, in case I think of any pertinent info later)
3. in my early morning online web-surfing investigations of the background of the invaded apts tenant, I did come across information that another tenant in my building is a producer/owner of adult video products ( this could explain their windows blinds always being pulled down and the unusually intense bright light emanating from around their window shades. Oh, and on one occasion, their apt door was cracked and as I walked by, I do believe I smelled the aromatic scent of mari-j-uana.)

And my apartment building is so nice and cute☺

MINI DRUG COMPANY RANT AKA IT'S ALL ABOUT THE MONEY

As someone who has done quite a bit of research on the billion dollar pharmaceutical industry, I can assure you drug companies DO NOT want to cure you of any ailment. There is no money/profit in a patient no longer needing their medication.

Drug companies spend more money on creating newer variations of their current top-selling drugs, than they do researching completely new drugs for different illnesses. Why you ask, I’ll tell you, so when their money generating drug patent on top selling HEART DRUG X runs out, they can still hold onto that market share ( and those patients) by obtaining a new patent for HEART DRUG X ER (Extended Release). Patients don’t have to switch to a new companies version of the drug i.e the patient’s drug dollars remain in the original drug companies coffers. They do not care about making you well, they just want to keep you alive and paying for their pills.

Doctors do not want to cure you either. It’s about their bottom line as well. If doctors keep prescribing drugs to you, you have to keep returning for office visits (which aren't FREE) to receive new prescription refills or to try NEWER medications to replace the previous drugs that had too many side effects. More money into the drug companies pockets and more money into the doctors pockets.

DRUG COMPANIES DO NOT WANT TO CURE YOU!

WISE WORDS FOR UR WEEKEND

Friday, November 6, 2009

Ok friends, it's the end of another workday, another work week and the weekend is about to officially begin, so here are just a few words to live by for the next 2 days:

1. I just paid my rent and my car note is due, so NO, I will not have any money to bail your ass out of jail this weekend. So just don't call.

2. To all those club and bar hopping momma's and daddies; your kids still need to be fed on the weekend. And your kid might actually pass a class if you sat down with them and book for a few hours and taught them something. Note:I said BOOK not BEER.

3. Single gals, if that so-called special person hasn't called you by now to make plans with you for this weekend, it's too dayum late now. Send them to voicemail and take yourself out for a mani/pedi, it'll do you good.


Felica’s Five Questions for Friday


Felica’s Five Questions for Friday

FYI- My mind never rests. I am always thinking, pondering, wondering, mind wandering, jumping tracks, etc. Sometimes I don’t have all the answers to some of life’s most enduring questions. So I’ll ask 5 of those questions right now.

1. WTF are young girls learning in SEX-ED class in school when they have to bring 10 different loser guys onto MAURY POVICH’s show to determine which one is her baby’s daddy? And does MAURY’S show get a bulk DNA testing discount at some local laboratory near the studio where the show is taped?

2. If you begin dating a guy who is ALREADY incarcerated, exactly what Top 5 qualities do you look for in a mate?
Cause your Top 5 couldn’t be my Top 5 and my Top 5 include silly things like:
#1. guy must be employed ( maybe you consider making license plates a valid job)
my #2 guy should have no criminal history ( feel free to skip this one for your guy and just go straight to)
my #3 guy should not owe more in monthly child support than I make in a month
my #4 guy should be disease free specifically STD FREE ( since your guy spends his days and nights watching his ass literally, you can skip this one and go straight to)
my #5 guy must smart & successful ( unless your guy’s main goal in life was to become incarcerated, then nevermind this one too).

Good luck to you and your jailbird boyfriend and just please do me a favor and do not get his name tattooed on your body ok?

3. I watch the reality TV show, HOARDERS and I understand it is a mental disorder where people have either collected too many things or cannot let go of too many things. But does this disorder give you carte blanche to be the nastiest, filthiest residence in your zip code? How is not picking up your own feces on your bathroom floor a part of your disorder? And how did your turd get on your bathroom floor in the first place?

4. If a woman spends thousands of dollars on plastic surgery procedures to her face, then did she get her money's worth if she walks into a crowded room and everyone can look at her face and pinpoint correctly every procedure she has had done?

5. How many 85 year old men living in 1 bedroom apartments struggling to make ends meet on social security are juggling 3 bleached blonde barely 20 year old girlfriends?

Felica’s Five Questions for Thursday

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Felica’s Five Questions for Thursday
FYI- My mind never rests. I am always thinking, pondering, wondering, mind wandering, jumping tracks, etc. Sometimes I don’t have all the answers to some of life’s most enduring questions.
So I’ll ask 5 of these questions right now.

1. Since celebrities love naming their offspring unusual names, and they seem to have a tender feeling for New York City burroughs. Ashlee Simpson and her husband Pete Wentz have a young son named BRONX, former Spice Girl and current wife to hot British soccer god David Beckham have a son named BROOKLYN. Where is STATEN ISLAND? Which entertainment supastar will take this lovely New York neighborhood name and bestow it upon their newest bundle of joy?

2. Why is what some adult does on paper with paint called ART and can be sold for thousands of dollars, yet when my 6 year old daughter creates almost the exact same image, the only accolades it gets is being placed under a San Diego Zoo magnet on our refrigerator door?

3. Do we really need another faux reality TV show about useless people pretending do things they normally wouldn’t do, with people they hate, bitching and moaning to tabloids about their personal lives, all while complaining about their lack of privacy, for money?

4. Is it considered income, if you collect child support from some man with money because you purposely had unprotected sex to get pregnant cause you were dayum lazy to go out and find a job?

5. After Britney Spears conservatorship ends, can her dad, Jamie Spears legally adopt Lindsay Lohan?

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU BELIEVE

This is for all the folks out there today who feel you can’t go on because life has given you more than you can bear. I’m telling you, YES YOU CAN!

Unless a man undertakes more than he possibly can do, he will never do all that he can.
Henry Drummond


A coward gets scared and quits. A hero gets scared, but still goes on.
Anonymous



CAFFEINE & STUPIDITY IN ADVERTISING

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I am in a bitchy mood this morning because I can’t decide if I want a vanilla latte, an Americano or a plain old coke. I’m really grumpy about my lack of decision making in the midst of a major caffeine withdrawal episode. If I don’t hurry and get some caffeine into my system, it could get scary. Innocent people could get hurt or at least their feelings hurt (not purposely though).

I do have one topic I want to beetch about and that is celebs and advertising. How stupid do these ad companies think the average person is? For example, take this new prescription only product called LATISSE for growing thicker and longer eyelashes. Because let’s get real, on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being absolutely necessary to your health) making a Dr’s appt and paying an insurance co-pay for something an OTC product called Revlon’s Voluminous Mascara can do for $7, to me ranks as STUPID. Sorry I’m not sure where STUPID falls on a scale of 1 to 10.

Who desperately needs a prescription for an eyelash enhancing product that will cease enhancing and lengthening your eyelashes once you cease using the product? Duh. And this is different from mascara, how? Other than it’s far more expensive. Seriously. It would be one thing if this product thickened and lengthened your eyelashes permanently, but it doesn’t and their advertising even tells you that. Your eyelashes are only enhanced while you are using the medication, but once you cease using the product, your carriage turns back into a pumpkin, so to speak.
And my biggest gripe about this product and it’s advertising is that they have hired, (that’s right, as in paid probably 6 figures to) uber beautiful, former child model and actress, Brooke Shields, to promote the product.

LATISSE hires someone who has been known for being genetically perfect since birth. Brooke Shields began modeling as an infant. Her eyebrows are even so perfect and thick, they could carry their own show. Brooke Shields has probability never had ONE ZIT in her entire life. And this company attempting to sell an eyelash enhancing and thickening product to women who suffer from sad, tired, scraggly eyelashes have decided that these women will relate to the ONE woman on this planet who DOES NOT need to use this product- Brooke Shields. In the Latisse commercials Brooke talks about how she use the product and how it has helped her eyelashes grow and how the product works, blah blah, blah. LATISSE hiring Brooke Shields to promote a product that will enhance your eyelashes is like FEMALE ROGAINE hiring the Khard- ASS-ian sisters to promote hair growth, (girls who probably spend several thousand dollars a month on head to toe waxing alone).

Thanx for letting me get that off my chest, now I can go address more serious matters in my life like: coffee, tea or coke.


A NEW BEGINNING

Tuesday, November 3, 2009


A NEW BEGINNING


This morning I come into work and seeds I planted yesterday have begun sprouting already. I love it!!!! I am so glad in April of this year, I had an epiphany those 2 years of being miserable and unhappy and unfulfilled was long enough. In the blink of any eye I made the decision to leave a place that held a buttload of sad memories and return to Southern California where I had so many years of happiness. I am thrilled to be back!!!!!!!


In the past few years I have shed a husband, a marriage, dreams of a 2nd child, a job, a house, body weight and loads of emotional baggage. I am now refreshed and feeling renewed. How do you know if you are happy in your present life? Ask yourself, are you content with your daily schedule (job, school, home-making), I can answer YES, I love my job. Ask yourself; are you content with whom you live with, who you share your life with, who you share your living quarters with? I can answer YES; I love my cozy lil residence and I ADORE my small, adorable, precocious, chatty, 45 lb 1st grade housemate. I get to visit family and friends every weekend and I have enough to eat, clothes on my back and a roof over my head and plenty of hugs and kisses from my favorite little human being, my daughter.

Now, I am happy again and all the stress and turmoil of the last few years and the last few months were worth it and have just made me stronger and more determined that when I am unhappy with my life, I make changes.

I think I am awesome and YOU have a great day, ya hear?





HALLOWEEN WEEKEND Part 1.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Halloween Day was an exhausting exercise in how much fun and candy can one 6 yr old witch have while dragging her poor tired dazed momma around town.

Let me start off by saying I had already informed the munchkin she would be wearing her pricey Halloween costume ALL DAY, seriously. And I loved how so many of my single childless girlfriends/sisters wanted to spend a few hours of their Halloween day hanging with us and accompanying us during our Halloween activites before they headed out their  raunchier adult nighttime Halloween parties. I told them they just wanted to use their time with my daughter as reminder to them why they took birth control pills. They said yes, that was true .

Anyway, I thought I would be slick and get out of the usual evening trick or treating by taking the munchkin in her witch costume to a Saturday 10am Halloween storytime for lil costumed critters at a cool bookstore right down the street. We would be accompanied by my never married single girlfriend, Teresa.  Well the little witch enjoyed it all 10 books a guy dressed as a member of the 80's band DEVO read to a packed house of lil cows, panda, fairies, ninjas, etc. Lucklily for me momma and my girlfriend, downstairs the bookstore had a cafe and Teresa and I stood in the back of the storytime drinking latte's and joking and giggling like schoolgirls.

The to my dismay, the munchkin informed me that she was still expecting to go trick or treating "at night" and that although the bookstore Halloween storytime was enjoyable and there was candy, this 10am experience would not substitute for 'real' ole school house to house trick or treating. Dagnabbit! I was bummed. Now I had to come up with an evening Halloween activity that would qualify as 'real' trick or treating for the munchkin , but would not require Momma walking up and down streets and knocking on strangers house doors at night.

I had already scheduled us to attend a free art class for lil people at a local library branch at 130pm. She enjoyed it and she wore her costume.

My sister had called earlier and asked if she could hang with us for a while. So I decided since she wanted to spend time with us, we could all do a 4pm store to store trick or treat arranged in a cool trendy part of town. My sister and my daughter went into store after store trick or treating and I waited on the sidewalk outside the stores looking exhausted. The munhckin also picked up a free balloon sculpture that look exactly like Elmo and she got her face painted like Minnie Mouse. She had the best day!!!!!!!

More info to come, our weekend wasn't over.......


Cause Why?

Friday, October 30, 2009

Somebody tell me in what part of the country is this choice for maternity wear acceptable for a soon to be mother. i.e ROLE MODEL FOR AN IMPRESSIONABLE YOUNG CHILD. Oh hell's bells, the poor kid in her Cheeto/ Pabst Blue Ribbon filled belly never had a chance.
See what aisle is this future 'Momma of the Year" on?  Halloween costumes!!!  Cause why?You're gonna spend that hard earned state welfare money on a costume instead of a SHIRT?

Where the hell are her priorities? I'll tell you where her priorities are, (8 months ago) she left them priorities in the cow chip covered pick up truck bed, (which was probably parked in the far dark end of that same dayum Wal-Mart parking lot), after sharing her love physically with her cousin Bubba.

That's right, Cousin Bubba, aka poor dumb blood related Baby Daddy standing next to her in Wal-Mart looking at Halloween costumes instead of an oversized Willie Nelson t-shirt to cover her big trashy belly and keep their fetus warm.

Let us srsly pray for Baby Bubba Jr. aka year 2025's state inmate # 349583772.


ORANGE VESTS, HALLOWEEN COSTUMES & L.A. TRAFFIC

Good news, goldfish purchased yesterday on lunch break made it home alive and were still alive this morning as I walked out of the house to go volunteer as a traffic valet at my daughter's school. Nothing like a MILF
( that would be ME) standing on the curb in front of an elementary school in a nasty azz, germ infested orange neon vest. But telling parents in cars and mini-vans where to drop off their kids and helping their kids get out of the mini-vans is sooo much fun to me:)

Then I had to run my daughter's Halloween costume to her class for their costume contest.

I firmly believe there is a conspiracy amongst L.A. drivers to purposely eff up my drive to work in the mornings. Surely that many people don't have to be at work for 9am. Whatever their reason for being in my way on the freeway, it needs to stop. I NEED TO BE AT WORK ON TIME and everyone else needs to GET OUT OF MY WAY!

By the way, if you care, I am wearing a Halloween costume today and it's called MILF wear, and I wear it every dayum day :)

IS THERE ANY CREATIVITY LEFT IN HOLLYWOOD?

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Can anyone in Hollywood greenlight something of mine? So some bonehead greenlights a new Adam Sandler movie called "Jack & Jill" and get this: don't pee your pants; Adam Sandler will play BOTH Jack & Jill!!!!! oooooooooooh  aaaaaaaaaawwwwww
Are you shiiiiiiitttting me?

My dear friend Alan said it perfectly in his Facebook post which he gave me permission to reprint here for your reading amusement. Enjoy!
(click on below to read it without words being cut off)



WAL-MART PEOPLE OF THE DAY PIC

Hey, I am not dissing Wal-Mart, I was born and raised in the countreeeeeeee and I love me some Wal-Mart.
"Obviously the boyfriend needs a job so he can buy his baby momma some larger size drawers."



PMS, CARBS & DEAD GOLDFISH

This morning, I feel as bloated as a whale (PMS) and grumpy cause the café downstairs did not have one single gotdayum muffin (including the blueberry muffin I desperately crave right now).

Also, yesterday morning I found out both of my munchkins’ 2 week old goldfish went belly up. Spent my lunch break yesterday, running around Burbank trying to locate a pet store to purchase replacement goldfish, so momma ( that’s what I call myself) wouldn’t have to admit to Lil Momma ( that’s what I call my 6 yr old mini-me) Dorothy 1 and Dorothy 2 ( what the munchkin named her 2 goldfish) had died.

Couldn’t find the dadblasted Burbank Petsmart, probably should have google’d that important information before I decided to make the wasted trip. Then last night had to lie to small female person and tell her “momma took the goldfish to momma’s work to visit with receptionist’s beta fish and left them in my office overnight.
Today at lunch, I will be purchasing 2 more goldfish.

Signing off for now, while I haul my bloated crabby ass into our work kitchen to see if I can find some kind of carb substitute for the blueberry muffin the downstairs café didn’t have.

First Inane thought of the day.....

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

One, happy Birthday today to one of my sweetest and dearest friends in Nueva York. You rock homie.

Second, every morning driving on the LA. freeways,I ponder the same thing over and over.

I have issues with the carpool lane.

The carpool lane signs say something to the effect of "For Cars with one or more persons" or something close to this. I feel it's discriminatory against those of us driving with one or more personALITIES in the same car, but just on physical body. I don't think it's fair that I am not allowed to drive in the carpool lane because all the personALITIES in my car just happen to reside in ONE body, mine.

Someone in the carpool lane might actually have 2 physical persons in their car, but I may have more personALITIES in my car. Is this fair?

"THE FELICA SHOW" coming soon.......

Friday, October 23, 2009

 

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